General thoughts and rambling.

Life has been. . . hectic.
First off, the convention back in June went great. I had a fantastic time, met some new folks, and caught up with friends I don’t see often. Since then I’ve started working three jobs. It’s not been easy. The last three weeks have been double crazy as I’ve been working full days at one job for six days a week. I haven’t had much of a chance for art because of that. I haven’t had much time for ANYTHING lately. Now things are calming down a bit and I wanted to get some thoughts down before things get crazy again.

Funnily enough, I’m going to another convention this weekend. I’ll be at the River City Comic Expo in Little Rock, Arkansas on August 29th in artists alley, table 1617 with Kit. Should be fun and I may get to meet Gail Simone. I’m still getting the mental con crud, but I’m holding myself together better this time.

In other news. . .

The sun is shining, the temperature has dropped to tolerable levels and it’s been really pleasant outside. Naturally, I’ve been miserable. It was this time last year that my dad was heading into his final days. I remember the constant trips to the emergency room, tailing an ambulance as they rush him to CMMC in a desperate attempt to prolong his life for just a little longer. This is actually the anniversary of home hospice starting their service with us. In less than a month he’d be in the facility and within a week he’d be gone. Now when the long light comes through the trees in the afternoon as I drive home I can feel myself start to tear up and come apart. I remember trying to reassure him that things were going to be ok. Those long periods of holding his hand and just trying to be there.
Yesterday, on the way home, I was passed by a white 1977 Ford F100 just like he used to have. I won’t lie. I broke down right then and there and had to wait till I could hold it together to drive home.

So yeah. That’s where I am right now. I’ll most more frequently and try to get back in the habit of being around. You guys stay safe and try not to get horribly burned to death by dragons or anything.

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And Now the Serious Stuff

I’ve spent the last month trying to fill the hole in my life left by my father. It’s not happening of course, but I’m trying. There’s a lot of anger. Anger that he’s gone. Anger that none of my friends are him. Anger at myself for not being there when he died. It’s the kind of directionless anger that can’t possibly do me any good.

There’s regret. There are so many things that I wish I’d asked him about or told him about. Things I wish I’d said. Not the important things, I actually got to say those, but every little thing left unsaid builds up into this horrible ache. This insatiable need to tell him something and knowing that I never can.

Then there’s just plain old sadness. I walk into the house and want so much to see that face looking back at me from his chair. I want to hear him call me and tell me something dumb because now none of it’s dumb. I want to hear him say how dumb Chumlee on Pawn Stars is. I just want one last hug.

The thing that really sends me into a fit of weeping though is that last night I saw him. He was out of it. So out of it he wasn’t aware of much of anything, I told him I’d see him the next day. I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him. The last thing he said to me, the last thing he ever said, was a mumbled “I love you too.”

An Ending and a Beginning

I’ve posted this on Facebook and Twitter all ready, but I need to speak at length some where.

On Friday my girlfriend was keeping me company and we had plans for lunch. After work we were going to drive out to hospice and visit my dad. He’d been in for a week and had become lethargic and restless by turns. He wasn’t really aware of where he was or what was going on. Shortly before noon I had a call on my cellphone. My father had just passed away. The next few minutes were a blur. I made phone calls and hit the road.

I got to the hospice around noon and went back to his room. I asked Kit to wait outside for me. I went in and saw my father. He was pale. He was still a bit warm. I kept thinking he’d open his eyes and turn his head to speak. I cried. I cried for a good while. I smoothed his hair and spoke to him. I apologized for not being there. I kissed him on the forehead and began packing his things. My finally words before leaving were “Be good.” We drove to the funeral home in Morton that afternoon and met my Aunt Betty Faye and my cousin Danny and we began making arrangements. That night myself, Kit, Mike, and Warren went to Jeff and Tiny’s and spent time with friends and ate. Far too much food for two men was sent home with us.

Saturday was a blur. I think we spent most of the day at home. Paul and Emily came out, Mike got off work, and we all went to the visitation. I saw some relatives and my friends kept my spirit up. I saw my dad again. The funeral home did wonders with him. When he died my father looked terrible. Laying there in the casket he looked like he would sit up and ask why they didn’t have a TV in the room and when was Pawn Stars coming on. Afterward, Warren, Mike, myself and Kit headed over to the Indian place back in Jackson.

Sunday was the funeral. My cousin Glenn performed the service. My friends and Danny and his son were the pallbearers. My friends have actually now put both my parents in the ground.

It’s been rough the past week. I don’t know what I’d do if it weren’t for my friends and Kit. They’ve practically carried me through this.

I find myself coming in the living room and when I don’t find him there it hits me all over again.

It’s gonna be a long rest of my life. . .

General Update for the week of 9-5-14

Damn, what a week. First, my girlfriend was down here last weekend so that was wonderful. Unfortunately, that went straight into suck when a tooth I’ve needed removed for a year decided to abscess again. Offices were closed on Monday so I decided to wait to make an appointment. Cue the right side of my face swelling to Elephant Man proportions. I’ll spare you all from photos. I’ve been to the doctor and have antibiotics now. After the swelling goes down I’ll head to the local emergency dental clinic and get the offending tooth removed. I’ve tried regular dentists but they want to do $10,000 worth of work that isn’t remotely related to getting the tooth out.

While all this is going on, I received some sad news. Someone I know through the webcomics community whom I respect and admire lost their mother. That wasn’t bad enough, or course. He lost her on the day he arrived home to surprise her. I can’t imagine what he’s going through. When my mother passed back in ’04 it was the best thing for her. She’d been diagnosed with cancer almost twenty years before hand and we’d all had time to adjust. He knew her health was in decline and this was going to be his last real chance to see her. They say life isn’t fair. What they don’t tell you is that it’s a mother fucker on top of that. 

Comic-wise, I’ve had to take an hiatus. While I can get around and think just fine, I don’t have the energy to be very creative right now thanks to Swelly McSwellerson the Tooth Demon of Jackson. I’ve tried to draw multiple times and it just isn’t working. When I recover I’ll get back on Errant Apprentice and Mailbox Rocketship. I do have another idea though. It’s a short story set in the future. All I’ve had time to do is character designs, but I figured I’d share them here.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for this week. Everyone stay safe and try not to get horribly burned to death by dragons or anything.

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