A couple of weeks ago I had a bit of a break through in therapy. I was talking about depression like I’ve been doing for the last four years and Byron pointed something out to me.
“Kevin, I’ve been seeing you for over ten years now and in the last four you’ve talked more about depression than ever. You used to talk about your problems and now you just blame depression. Do you know when this started?”
It was a pretty direct question for him.
“When?” I asked.
“No” he said. “You tell me.”
“When my father died?”
Now, what Byron was pointing out was that I wasn’t over my father’s death. What I realized was that I’d been dwelling on the depression and seeing it as an outside thing and just accepting it instead of trying to get over it. To use the metaphor, I was feeding the wrong wolf. I was feeding the thing that was destroying me instead of actively trying to get better.
So it’s been a few weeks and I find myself actively fighting against the dark thoughts. If I start downing myself I ask myself why I’m doing that or if I would do this to someone else. If I feel down, I try to find the root cause of it. If it’s something I can control I work on it. If it’s not, I accept it and move on to things I CAN control.
For the first time in my life I feel like I have what it takes.