Lately

 There’s so much that’s happened. I’ve lost my mother, my father, my sister, most of my aunts and uncles. I’ve been through more jobs than I can count. I went from being hopeful and on a career path to feeling hopeless and working in a liquor store because that’s all I can find for work. But I continue on. 

I’m on antidepressants right now. I’m not sure how effective they are. They numb some of the feeling but haven’t really helped me control the self doubt. I’ve changed therapists and am currently doing Internal Family Systems. It’s interesting and it seems to work, but I have doubts. Which isn’t unexpected since I’ve had doubts about therapy for a long time now. I’m also going to start doing group therapy next week since they have a scholarship spot open and I’m definitely interested in anything that can help me.

The one thing that really concerns me right now with group is that it’s at my old therapist’s office. I used to work in that office. I was fired from that office. The day I was told I was being let go was the most shattering experience of my life up to that point. I thought I’d found the job I’d be at for the foreseeable future and then to find out that the owner was extremely unsatisfied with my work? It literally destroyed me. I put on a happy face when I finally found a new job but it was a lie. I was miserable. I’m still not over it. I’m just constantly waiting to get fired at every job I’ve had in the last two years. And now I’m going to be back there. I don’t know how this is going to go. I don’t know how they’re going to feel having me back in the building. They’ve probably moved on.
I haven’t.

My motivation to create has taken a drastic hit in the last few years. I feel defeated and like there’s no reason to keep going with comics except out of an obligation. I started it. I have to finish it. It’s hard to regain and then keep my enthusiasm. The world has moved on. I’ve been at this for 21 years and I’ve missed all my opportunities to get somewhere with my art. Conventions have been total failures for several years now and I can only assume my art just isn’t “it” any more. I guess that’s fine. Just got to finish Errant Apprentice and then maybe I’ll be done. We’ll see.

So yeah. That’s where I’m at right now. It’s not the happiest place or anything, but at least I’m still alive. As long as I’m alive I can fight.

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