Acceptance

I’m not the best there is at accepting things as they are. I never have been. My whole live has consisted of lamenting the world not being what I want it to be and not being where I want to be in life. I had a five year plan for my comic book career in high school that I’m currently on year 27 of right now. I’ve basically spent my entire adult life yelling about the unfairness of it all. Particularly when it’s related to me.

Today I started group therapy for the first time and was given homework. First, meditation. I’ve done some meditation before and found strange things inside myself when unguided. That I’m looking forward to. The second part of the homework was to research the phrase “Radical Acceptance”. Imagine my shock to discover this doesn’t involve a skateboard. Radical acceptance is about truly accepting reality as it is and rolling with it. I’d probably prefer a written report.

I had to really think about this as a concept. It’s an alien idea to me because I’m constantly looking for the narrative in a life of chaos. I have preconceived notions about how the world should work and how people should be which makes it hard for me to really look at life objectively. People should be kind, the good guys should win, the world should be fair. It’s all actually bull shit, but it’s been planted firmly in my head. 2020 and the previous six years have been hard lessons in relation to that and they’re lessons I’ve been refusing to learn.

Sort of. . .

In 2004, shortly after my mother passed away, I took my only trip to Disney World. I went down there knowing that the crowds would be huge, the lines would be long, and there was nothing I could do to control that so I may as well accept it and let myself have a good time. So I did.
THAT is radical acceptance.
I need to look at life more like Disney World. Accept that things are going to happen that I don’t like and that I have no control over it. Deal with the pain and move on.

Who knew you could learn from vacation?

Lately

 There’s so much that’s happened. I’ve lost my mother, my father, my sister, most of my aunts and uncles. I’ve been through more jobs than I can count. I went from being hopeful and on a career path to feeling hopeless and working in a liquor store because that’s all I can find for work. But I continue on. 

I’m on antidepressants right now. I’m not sure how effective they are. They numb some of the feeling but haven’t really helped me control the self doubt. I’ve changed therapists and am currently¬†doing Internal Family Systems. It’s interesting and it seems to work, but I have doubts. Which isn’t unexpected since I’ve had doubts about therapy for a long time now. I’m also going to start doing group therapy next week since they have a scholarship spot open and I’m definitely interested in anything that can help me.

The one thing that really concerns me right now with group is that it’s at my old therapist’s office. I used to work in that office. I was fired from that office. The day I was told I was being let go was the most shattering experience of my life up to that point. I thought I’d found the job I’d be at for the foreseeable future and then to find out that the owner was extremely unsatisfied with my work? It literally destroyed me. I put on a happy face when I finally found a new job but it was a lie. I was miserable. I’m still not over it. I’m just constantly waiting to get fired at every job I’ve had in the last two years. And now I’m going to be back there. I don’t know how this is going to go. I don’t know how they’re going to feel having me back in the building. They’ve probably moved on.
I haven’t.

My motivation to create has taken a drastic hit in the last few years. I feel defeated and like there’s no reason to keep going with comics except out of an obligation. I started it. I have to finish it. It’s hard to regain and then keep my enthusiasm. The world has moved on. I’ve been at this for 21 years and I’ve missed all my opportunities to get somewhere with my art. Conventions have been total failures for several years now and I can only assume my art just isn’t “it” any more. I guess that’s fine. Just got to finish Errant Apprentice and then maybe I’ll be done. We’ll see.

So yeah. That’s where I’m at right now. It’s not the happiest place or anything, but at least I’m still alive. As long as I’m alive I can fight.