Preemptive Mental Con Crud

So tomorrow I’ll be at the Mississippi Comic Con for two days which means today I’m more depressed than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’m sad, grumpy, and angry, and well, way too many emotions to list including angrosity and sadination. I don’t really know why this happens before comic related events but it does. Let’s take a look at it together and maybe I can start to figure this thing out.

First.
I’m going to be surrounded by some terribly talented artist like Steve Scott, Steve Butler, Geoffrey Gwin, and Mitch Bird. Then there’s me. My goofy, angular and round characters that aren’t quite anime and aren’t quite western. My stories about metaphysical drama around a guy on a scooter. My high school comic about the personifications of abstract concepts. The guy trying to push long form story surrounded by pin-ups and amazing professionals. It’s a little bit of jealousy. It’s mostly feeling less. I feel out of place and like someone threw me a bone by letting me be there. I keep expecting the con people to come up and say “I’m sorry, Mr. Hayman. There was a terribly mistake. You’re not really SUPPOSED to be here. We need you to pack up and go home. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
I know they’re not, but on some level I’d feel this massive relief if they did. I could just pack up and go home and stop embarrassing myself.

Second.
I know, not think, but KNOW that I’m not going to make any sales at any event I go to and if I do, my mind will turn those sales into pity and make me resent them. I realize that this makes about as much sense as covering a mountain in Nutella and then roller skating down it, but there we are. That’s the way my mind works and that’s how depression works in a nutshell. All of your little victories become meaningless and are just veiled insults. In the end you find yourself wanting to crawl under something and crying.  You can’t win. Not because of other people or fate or the Universe or God.
I can’t win because I won’t let myself win. I will always be the guy that came in last no matter what reallly happened.

Third.
No one actually wants to see me. People act like they’re please to see me but it’s a thin layer of nicety over a mountain of “Oh GOD. THIS guy again. Maybe they’ll move me.” My evidence for this, and every other point on this list, is nonexistent. This isn’t confined to events either though. This is how I think people see me most of the time. I don’t get out of the house much any more and see people because I’ve convinced myself that they don’t WANT to see me. Why would they? It’s me. I’m the guy who shows up, tells the same stories and joke over and over and then makes everyone feel bad by the end of the night. Who’d want to hang out with that guy?
Am I really like this? I don’t honestly know. I can’t see outside of myself like I used to. I’m stuck riding around in this truck and there’s no mirrors.

So what have we learned?
We’ve learned that I have some serious issues still confronting me all these years later. We’ve learned that there’s no actual basis for any of this but I still believe it. What we’ve also learned is that despite all this I’m going to the con anyway and I’m going to try and have a good time. Expect an after action report next week and hopefully from a me with a clearer head. See you guys on the flipside.

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6 Comments

  1. Kevvvvvvvvvvvviiiiin,

    I know I never comment but I do read your blog and let me first say I completely understand where you’re coming from and I hope that the things I type help.

    Firstly on a light note, forget the pin ups! Pin ups are easy(not easy to draw, but an easy sell. This is my opinion and I apologize to any pin up artists I offend.). You have a distinctive style that you stick to and that’s what you’re there to sell. I’ve been so bummed after a con before just because I found out someone sold way more than me selling “Sexy popular character”. You don’t want that! The fans you want at cons are the people who’s eyes light up when they see your stuff and love it because it’s different and unique! You’ve always drawn what you’ve wanted to draw Kevin and it’s awesome because it doesn’t look like anyone else’s stuff!

    I’m not trying to diminish geoffrey or Mitch or anybody btw. But(Bill tells me this all the time) you can’t compare yourself to others and that’s STUPID hard not to do. You are just as good as them, you draw in a completely different way. My sister draws beautiful watercolors and I draw in adobe Illustrator and if we swapped it would be disastrous. Your style is uniquely yours and people will love it because it is yours.

    and no one knows what they want to see at a con a lot of times in artist’s alley. It’s sort of like a flea market. You have no idea what you are going to find and then something catches your eye and you get pumped about it. Yeah, people are there for the guests, but the fun of the convention is exploration. The “I HAVE $50…WHO DO I GIVE MY MONEY TO?” And art is always the best investment at a convention because it is something unique to the con. You can get comic books and action figures anywhere(*cough* ebay *cough*), but the artists may vanish into the night, followed by the whispers of mystery and intrigue.

    You’ve got this Kevin!!! NOW GO FORTH AND CONQUER.

  2. Hi Kevin,
    I am new to WordPress and I am trying to find new people to follow. Your name showed up on my feed and here I am. This post was very topical for me, and even though I like a good comic con (I just volunteered at Denver Comic Con) I was more taken with the things you are speaking about yourself. I could completely relate to your worries and fears, as I have many of those feelings every day in my professional life (I am a Children’s Librarian). All I can say is that “No one actually wants to see me. People act like they’re please to see me but it’s a thin layer of nicety over a mountain of “Oh GOD. THIS guy again” is like looking into my own soul. But we have our good days, and as long as you are doing what you want to do it has to be good. I hope you have a great day. I’ll be reading.

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