What it Takes

A couple of weeks ago I had a bit of a break through in therapy. I was talking about depression like I’ve been doing for the last four years and Byron pointed something out to me.

“Kevin, I’ve been seeing you for over ten years now and in the last four you’ve talked more about depression than ever. You used to talk about your problems and now you just blame depression. Do you know when this started?”
It was a pretty direct question for him.
“When?” I asked.
“No” he said. “You tell me.”
“When my father died?”

Now, what Byron was pointing out was that I wasn’t over my father’s death. What I realized was that I’d been dwelling on the depression and seeing it as an outside thing and just accepting it instead of trying to get over it. To use the metaphor, I was feeding the wrong wolf. I was feeding the thing that was destroying me instead of actively trying to get better.

So it’s been a few weeks and I find myself actively fighting against the dark thoughts. If I start downing myself I ask myself why I’m doing that or if I would do this to someone else. If I feel down, I try to find the root cause of it. If it’s something I can control I work on it. If it’s not, I accept it and move on to things I CAN control.

For the first time in my life I feel like I have what it takes.


DHL is the Worst Company in the World

Sometime back in September I went to my Square dashboard and ordered a pack of stickers and a small cardboard table stand to take to conventions to get the point across that I take credit cards. It’s free so I figured why not. The delivery date turns out to be two days after the convention so I figure “Ah well. I’ve got it for next time.”

Cut to a few days later when it ships. The shipping method is DHL. I break out in a cold sweat. I know where this is going. I’ve ordered multiple things and had them shipped via DHL. I have never received those items. Part of it is our local DHL is literally some guy with a van that delivers when he gets around to it. The other problem is that DHL is the most inept company I’ve ever dealt with in my life. We have issues when I worked for GreenTree Properties and I knew I’d have them now.

So the first package started in Texas. It traveled to Jackson, Mississippi which is more or less where I live. It then traveled to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico and went out for delivery. Since I don’t LIVE in Truth or Consequences it went back to Texas where it stayed.
I contacted Square about this and they were very apologetic. They shipped me another one right away. This one shipped from Florida, traveled through Jackson again and went straight to the same town in Texas where it promptly vanished from tracking. I contacted square again and this time received no response. That was by the end of October. The package had originally be ordered in mid September. A small envelope of stickers.

After this I decided to try an experiment. SURELY this was somehow because I was an individual. If I ordered one for a business they’d use a real shipping company. So I bop my way up to the gallery since we use Square there, log into the console, and order another package. This shipped via DHL from Florida, passed through Jackson BACK to Florida and was delivered somewhere. I don’t know where, but it was delivered according to tracking. It was at this point I gave up. Again, the end of October.

About a week ago I received a package in the mail that looked like it had been devoured by Satan’s asshole and sure enough, there inside were what was left of my stickers and stand. This was the first package. A week later I received the second package. This one partially damaged but the contents were fine.

This week, near the end of November, I received our package from Square at the gallery. The one that had been delivered. “Well” I thought, “at least this is over”.

Today I received a second package at work with more stickers. I’m now expecting to never stop receiving them.

So yeah. Don’t deal with DHL. I don’t know what the hell’s going on with those guys but they suck. Hard.

Changes From the Move

So a lot has changed since the move. The following is a list of things I can think of right off.

  • I can now take hot showers for the first time in nine years.
  • The wireless internet is as fast as the old wired internet and the wired internet is amazing.
  • When it rains I can flush the toilet without it flooding the bathroom.
  • When it rains I can take a shower without it stopping up. (also, a hot shower as previously stated)
  • When it rains I can get to my car without having to take a change of socks due to flooding.
  • Speaking of, the yard doesn’t flood. The old yard completely submerged after any amount of rain.
  • We don’t have bookcase that is important to the structural integrity of the house.
  • The house is larger than a third world shanty.
  • It’s REALLY quiet at night.
  • Did I mention the showers are hot and the toilet flushes?
  • Domino’s Pizza will actually deliver pizza to our neighborhood.
  • ┬áThe neighbors are friendly.

So yeah. That’s all I can think of right now. Thanks for listening!

Movin’ On Up

Some time last year it was really driven home to me that I needed to get out of my home of thirty-two years and out of my neighborhood. Maybe it was the loud music during the day. Maybe it was the fact that the house was in terrible shape. It was definitely the fact that I was getting way too used to gunfire.

Since after my mom died the sound of gunshots had become more and more frequent. Maybe once every few days or weeks. Shortly after my father’s passing it became every few minutes. The worst was the night there were three shootings next door. Mike and I both lept out of bed and hit the floor and crawled into the hallway. I’ll never forget both of us laying there and one of us, I don’t remember who, saying “We need to move. Soon.”

It’s easy to say but not easy to do. Part of it’s money. Most of it’s the fact that it’s one of two homes I remember living in. It’s hard to really let something like that go. I grew up in that house. It was home for all those years. Even now I can feel my parents in there. I didn’t even have an idea of where to go so it wasn’t much of an issue.

In 2015 my boss asked if I wanted to buy his old house in Clinton. I did, but honestly I couldn’t afford it. Then Warren, his son, decided to rent it. We helped finish up some of the work on the house and moved in at the beginning of February this year.

A word on this house. When I first met Warren he and his family were living in this house. I coveted that house from the moment I saw it. It’s amazing to a guy who’s lived in tiny shacks his whole life. It’s got four bedrooms, two baths, a giant den and a basement that’s bigger than the old house. Needless to say, when the opportunity to live there popped up I had to.

Another reason for the move is Kit. Kit and I have been together for eight years now and we have never been able to find work in each other’s area. Well in December Kit found a job here and moved in on Christmas day. I can tell you right now things were cramped. Especially with her cat thrown into the mix. Mike and I had to make room for her essentials with a mind to eventually get out. The house wasn’t made for three grown adults.

So here we are, starting on our second month and it’s been amazing. I never knew a place could be so quiet at night. I’ve never had to wave at so many people before. I never knew my life could be this, I don’t know, quiet before. Maybe now I’ll have more time for writing and drawing. We’ll see.

Hey Kids! Remember Me?!

Yeah. Me neither.

There’s been a lot happening in my life since the last update. First, I spiraled into a world of hurt and depression and anxiety to the point where I wanted to end my life. The dark times were longer, the up times were shorter and dimmer, and I honestly thought that this was it.
Then I saw Dr. Patel. He’s the psychologist at the clinic where I see my therapist. My friend works there and arranged a meeting. Dr. Patel was very thorough with his questions about me and my depression. He asked me if I’d taken anything before and I replied yes and it nearly killed me. He prescribed venlafaxine and I’ve been taking it since April.

That first two weeks was, well, I didn’t know life could be like that. I had no idea how many thoughts, negative thoughts, were going through my head at all hours until they stopped. For the first time in my life there was silence. Blissful, long sought silence. I still got depressed, but instead of lasting weeks or a month or more, it was about two days of sadness and self pity. Then I pulled myself out of it.

The next meeting with Dr. Patel went well. He asked about the depression and I explained how short the bouts were now.
“That’s fantastic! What if I told you we could get rid of those two days?”
I jumped at it.
We upped my dosage from 37.5 to 75. I haven’t been depressed in a month and it’s been amazing. I haven’t had anxiety in a month and it’s wonderful. Sadness? REAL sadness? Like the sadness of losing my father? Yeah. That’s still there, but that’s legitimate sadness. That huge lump of self hatred I’ve been carrying my whole life? Mostly gone. All that’s left are habits and old thought patterns to be disrupted.

So all that being said, I guess I’m back to blogging to chronicle the process of healing and about the things I fill my life with now.

It’s good to be back.


I’ve had a terrible record with National Novel Writing Month for the last four years. My first book fell by the side of the road due to work in 2012. Honestly, I don’t think I knew where I was going with it any way. I’d gotten some interesting character stuff going, but I couldn’t write a convincing space battle to save my life.

My second attempt in 2013 ended after the first day as my father started to grow ill. That illness would culminate in four months of hospitalization and wouldn’t really end until his death in September of last year. With that still hanging over my head I decided that 2014 was NOT the year to try and take a stab at writing again.

This year I feel different. I want to write. I want to do something that doesn’t involve me drawing and coloring for three hours afterward. Plus, I had an idea. Several years ago I came up with a short film. It was a horror/comedy about a guy who moves onto his boat after being thrown out of the house by his girlfriend and eventually running into the Lovecraft Mythos. Do I think it’ll work as a book? Yeah. Yeah I do. I think this will work because I’m going to approach it as a comedy first and a horror story second. I think it’s going to work because I don’t have to get actors and money and make up. Lastly, I think it’ll work because I said so.

Maybe that last sentence sounds cocky. It’s supposed to. If I approach this with a mindset of “maybe I can finish and maybe it’ll be good” then I’ll never get anywhere. So get ready for a Lovecraftian story filtered through Douglas Adams.

Are You Not Entertained?! (No, not really.)

So a few months ago I received a couple of emails from someone asking me to do a series of articles about the differences between foreign language films and their english language remakes. Sounds like a great idea, honestly! The problem is that I haven’t SEEN any and haven’t had a chance to. This sort of sums up my recent problems with entertainment in general lately. I don’t have TIME to be entertained these days. Entertainment is something you take in during your free time. I’m not sure I remember what that is.

That’s not to say I’m not watching some television. I stop whatever I’m doing when Steven Universe comes on. Until recently I was an avid viewer of Rick and Morty, but I haven’t had the chance to sit down with my friends to watch in a long while now. I actually got to see three episodes of The Flash the other night instead of sleeping. Loved it! Probably won’t get to see it again for another six months.

Honestly, unless I can take it in while working on a comic, I don’t get to do a lot of media. Night Vale is a favorite, audio books are great, and Far Land or Bust! is perfect because who wants to watch the world shake while Kurt walks? I’ve tried doing real TV shows before. Stargate: SG-1 was a great radio show for me. Babylon 5 as well. The problem is there’s not much compelling on TV for me any more.

So yeah. Maybe I can get back to doing some reviews, but for the time being I’m working and comicing.